Friday, November 13, 2020

Casual Friday the 13th

To: Jay
From: Ralph
Subject: FGCS Office Standards
Date: Friday, November 13, 2020, 1:57 PM



It’s come to my attention that there have been some recent issues pertaining to our company’s dress code that need to be addressed. I understand that over the last several months your direct supervisor as well as her supervisor have been unable to get through to you regarding these matters, and seeing as how they’re no longer with us, things have made their way through the woods to me, so to speak.

I believe our policies here at Forest Green Camping Supplies, Inc. are crystal clear, but perhaps there is some confusion, so allow me to clarify a few things. Mondays through Thursdays, “business casual” attire (collared shirts, khakis or dress pants, etc.) is required. On Fridays, however, the dress code is somewhat relaxed, allowing for jeans, as well as shirts to be untucked (though not unkempt - there is a difference).

Our definition of “jeans”, however, does not include those denim overalls you sometimes wear, Jay. I understand Christy spoke to you about this some time ago, prior to her disappearance, but allow me to reiterate the point here. And when we say jeans, we mean no holes, no grass or mud stains, and so on. To be blunt, Jay, they really must be washed. Several of your Team Members have complained about dark stains, and the odors of sweat and iron on your clothing. So I’m afraid I really must insist that you do your laundry more frequently. If there’s a financial burden involved, please drop by my office and we can discuss.

The issue of face masks has come up as well. Now, I want to express my most sincere understanding with regard to our current situation. These are trying times, to say the least, and none of us know for sure how long we’ll all be affected by the current pandemic and the ways in which our lives have been altered. So while face masks are a mandatory part of our current workplace attire, I feel I must specify that ‘80s-style hockey goaltender masks are not appropriate for our office environment - not even on Fridays - and that’s not to mention the fact that they don’t offer the same level of protection against airborne pathogens as tightly-woven cotton masks do. I understand Christy’s supervisor Steve attempted to bring this up with you as well, prior to his unexpected retirement last month, but I really must insist that you leave the sports equipment at home.

Likewise, over-the-head burlap sacks are also unacceptable. From what I’ve been told, I understand you have a history of body dysmorphia issues, and I empathize with that, but I believe we are able to emote quite a bit from the eyes up, so I would ask that the top half of your head not be obscured for the sake of your colleagues and any suppliers you might need to liaise with.

By the way, if you’re interested in discussing your feelings with regard to your appearance with someone, I would highly recommend Dr. Ginny, our in-house counselor. If you’d like to make an appointment to see her, you can do so in the online portal.

In the meantime, please wear a face mask that covers only your nose and mouth like everybody else. As I’m sure you know, we do offer face masks with the FGCS logo at cost to all employees, but again, if the pricing is a hindrance for you, please see me, and I’ll look into what can be done.

And speaking of Dr. Ginny, I’m told several Team Members have met with her recently to discuss not only your lack of verbal communication, but also your habit of keeping a machete at your side while moving around the office (I know you’re going to ask who, but please don’t). This too seems highly inappropriate, and I’m going to have to ask that you, at the very least, leave any bladed or pointed weapons you’ve brought to work inside your cubicle at all times. Such things can be construed as intimidating by others, not to mention dangerous. Let me remind you that we recently restarted our X Days Without An Accident signage, and I’d like to see that number at least hit double digits before having to start it over again.

Jay, I appreciate your understanding and compliance in all of this. I believe that when we all work together as a team, we can create a better and more efficient workplace. It’s all about synergy, really. I hope we can all be “happy campers” here, if you’ll pardon the pun.

I trust that by next Friday you’ll be able to start adhering to company guidelines, but if there are any concerns you don’t think can be resolved by then, feel free to come talk to me. I’m pretty easy to track down most days after lunch.

Have a great weekend.


C. Ralph Cunningham
Forest Green Camping Supplies, Inc.